1. I'd have my baby in a lovely birthing pool with maybe just a drop or two of lavender oil and a touch of arnica (you know, just in case). I'd listen to the playlist I'd put together on my iPod called "birth chill". My child would float up to the surface and break through the water all perfect and lovely. The midwives would tell me how remarkably composed I'd been throughout and I'd be discharged just a few hours later. I'd go home looking serene and calm.
2. Breast feeding would be a life affirming experience. I'd be a natural and so would my baby. Of course it wouldn't hurt at all, I mean why would it? Oh, and I'd never, ever use formula.
3. I'd be running again within three months of giving birth. I'd lose the baby weight within six.
4. My son would sleep through the night by the time he was four months old. I'd try not to be smug.
5. I'd take the opportunity to write a novel while on maternity leave.
6. I'd bake every day. In fact I'd really indulge in my love of cooking and have amazing and diverse food ready for when Dave came home from work. Having a baby wouldn't impact on our sex life, either. I mean my body confidence would be tip top and he'd sleep so well, right?
7. I'd do up the flat while my baby napped. I'd learn to sew and make matching curtains and cushion covers for our bedroom. I'd also make most of my baby's clothes and maybe a dress or two for me.
8. I'd buy reusable nappies and only ever use disposable ones on long journeys.
9. I'd dig the camera out and take experimental photos of London while my baby slept in a sling. I'd win photo competitions with my amazing shots. People would look on in admiration.
10. I'd never have cause to feel guilty as I would balance everything perfectly and would never doubt myself.
11. My child would never watch children's television.
But while maybe only the tiniest hints and suggestions of the above ever actually came to pass, I don't think I'm a lesser mum for it... just a very different one than I'd envisaged back in those naive pregnant dreamy days.
Happy Mother's Day you mothers! Pats on the back all round don't you think?